| after a few days of going to the nursery at phrapradaeng, i was getting really frustrated with the kids. i was getting impatient and angry, not knowing how to reach out and care for each child. i can't speak thai and talking to people is one of the way i best love people. So God pushed me to love the children in different ways. i would hold their hands, smile at them, and rub their cheeks. and i realized that God was asking me to love my friends and my community back at home in ways that may be uncomfortable or hard for me. and that in stretching myself, i depend on him more. I seek his love more in order to give to people around me.
bringing that lesson back home..... coming home has been extremely hard. not because of the culture shock or the other expected things. but because of having to see my family and jumping back into the pain i have been experiencing this past year. i can't quite explain what it does to me, because i don't even entirely understand. all i know is that it hurts. and my fear and anger makes me push people away even more. so pretty much. i suck at loving my family and people i care about.
seeing a little girl learn her head on her pepper-haired father's shoulder, kicked a switch in me today As i was sitting in the pews of Bangkok i foolishly thought I could run away from my anger, my disgust at you i still haven't forgiven, though given this long year of trials Why i can't let go, I really don't entirely know You were my hero, my daddy who gave his all for this family My daddy who i put up on a pedestal like Hercules or some other kind of hero So i know, it's partly my fault why you fell so hard Why my heart broke so painfully So what can i do, I can't blame you because you tell me you did nothing wrong. I can't blame you because I want to understand, why, why you did what you did. I can't hate you, because I know you need forgiveness I can't stop caring, because God won't let me But i can't love you, becaus it hurts too much.
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